So Much for Peace and Quiet
by batman100
Summary: Maria tries to have some R&R on board the SHIELD Helicarrier. Not if those wacky Avengers can help it...


**So Much for Peace and Quiet…**

Maria Hill was comfortably snoozing on her bed in her cabin on the SHIELD Helicarrier when a loud knock on the door was heard

"Five more minutes…" Maria mumbled in her sleep, rolling over and was about to snore before the knock grew louder

"All right! Can't I at least have a nap for crying out loud!" Maria barked sleepily, opening the door only for Hawkeye and Captain America barge in

"Maria, we need you to settle a debate: Who's the best video game hero: Link from Zelda or Duke Nukem?" Hawkeye asked as he and Captain America argued senselessly

"WHAT? You two crazies woke me up from my afternoon beauty nap, only for me to play tie-breaker over a silly argument over video games?!" Maria snapped in annoyance

"So…who do you think is the best looking video game *female*?" Cap asked with a goofy look

"I dunno Cap, I'm gonna have to go with Princess Zelda, for shizzle." Hawkeye commented, with that dreamy look over his face

"GO WITH WHO NOW?!" Black Widow shrieked, having heard Hawkeye's fantasy while he, Cap and Maria stared with wide eyes

"Ugh…just when I was dreaming about flying with Stark over the Bahamas." Maria groaned, before grabbing her SHIELD anesthesia mask

"Clinton Barton, how in the *hell* could you choose some tech-bit video game elf thingy over *ME*?!" Black Widow ranted as Hawkeye watched, looking pale

"Um…can we talk about this later?" Hawkeye whimpered

"Would you guys talk this over at the bridge please? Now…all of you…let me SLEEP!" Maria grouched, shooing the three out in a huff before succumbing to the anesthesia

"Uh, Hill? You're looking kinda woozy there. Uh Maria?" Cap asked, snapping his fingers as Maria stared back at him, hypnotic and almost half-asleep

"Little…dust rodents…So…squishy." Maria groaned before snoring and toppling over both Hawkeye and a distracted Banner

"Oof! What'd I miss? Was it the video game debate thing again?" Banner asked before seeing the reaction of Cap and Black Widow "What?"

Later that evening…

"Well good news: the anesthesia wore off." Banner announced as Cap, Stark, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch and Sif were gathered while Maria slept on the exam room couch

"…What's the bad news?" Stark asked, half-curious, half-amused

"Well…the anesthesia *is* off, but the *effects* are not, so…" Banner noted

"…So Hill's in a sleep mode until the effects of the gas wear off?" Thor politely finished. Banner gave a nod of approval

"And all this over a silly debate over video games?" Quicksilver asked, rather puzzled by this turn of events

"My vote's still on Princess Zelda." Hawkeye joked before Black Widow signaled him to shush

"So…here's the plan: Stark, you take over for Hill. Thor, you, Sif, Natasha and Banner take turns guarding Hill. Quicksilver, you, Wanda and Selvig work on a way to reverse the anesthetic gas. I'll be in contact with Coulson on further updates." Cap ordered, with the Avengers nodding in agreement

"So be it." Thor noted

Later…

"It's been forty-five minutes or so, and all Hill's been doing is some tossing and turning, snoring, some sleep talking, and some groaning." Black Widow noted on her recorder as Sif, Thor and Banner watched Maria closely, checking for signs of infection

"So far so good. No concussions, her vertebrae seems to be stable." Banner noted, checking Maria's back

"What are you doing?" Black Widow asked curiously

"Oh just running an autopsy. Now if we connect the medulla to the migross brain…" Banner babbled as Black Widow, Sif and Thor watched in utter confusion

"I've seen stuff like this on Asgard before…but *this* is ridiculous." Sif commented

"Tell me about. Thor, how many times did I say we are running a covert operations ship and *not* a mobile morgue?" Black Widow asked sarcastically as Sif's eyes bugged out at the mention of morgue

"Morgue?!" Sif shrieked before leaping on top of Cap, shivering hysterically, spewing nonsense

"Sif…what in the heck's gotten into *you*?" Cap asked, grunting to steady himself due to Sif's skinny but hard position

"Why did I just walk into a bizarre recreation of Cirque du Solei?" Fury asked sarcastically as he and Selvig watched in confusion and amusement as Cap was struggling to untach Sif off of his costume, Banner spewing out technobabble, Thor and Black Widow rocking to music from Bruce Springsteen, Stark observing Thor and Black Widow on Maria's desk while munching on chips with Hawkeye, jamming to the music and Maria herself conveniently snoozing, particularly droning out all the chaos around her due to her snoring

"Eh, who gives a hoot, Director? Wanna get a Heineken?" Selvig proposed, holding a Heineken bottle

"You read my mind." Fury chuckled, chugging a bottle of Guinness and Heineken at the same time

"…Now if we transform the medulla with the corresponding midbrain, we then converse with the tibia section to elope with the cerebellum, thus impregnating the cerebral cortex…" Banner lectured, using medical sheets to translate his knowledge of Maria's body as Thor, Sif and Black Widow were snoring in boredom over the silly lecture

"What the heck is Banner even *doing*?" Coulson asked, particularly aghast at Banner's mock medical school lecture as Stark and Hawkeye watched in amusement

"Trust me Phil…you *don't* wanna know." Hawkeye responded before handing Coulson a chip "Doritos?" He asked

"Why not?" Coulson answered, grinning before sitting down as Stark handed him a large bowl of Doritos

"…So the cerebellum then merges with the mid brain, before eloping again with the cerebral cortex, before mating with the esophagus, which is engaged to the medulla, you mix it all and the cerebellum gives asexual reproductive birth to two twin medullas, while the cerebral cortex has asexual reproductive birth of triplet cerebellums." Banner concluded, having finished his bizarre science lecture, and conveniently as Maria started to stir

"Ugh….Mom, did I…oversleep again?" Maria grumbled, before yawning loudly and slowly getting off the couch

"Oh good. Maria's up finally." Stark replied, hastily cleaning up the Doritos crumbs on Maria's desk before Sif made the crumbs vanish

"Thanks." Stark replied as Sif did a curtsy as Maria walked over

"Stark…What exactly happened while I was asleep?" Maria asked, puzzled by the events

"Tell you what: Let's keep that our 'little' secret, ok?" Cap asked sheepishly, noticing Fury and Selvig slouched on the bridge chairs, drunk from the Guinness beer

"What happened to *them*?" Maria asked incredulously

"Let's just say the two, um 'expressed' themselves with the stuff from Bucky's fridge." Cap answered

"HEY! WHO DRANK ALL MY GUINNESS?!" Bucky's voice hollered as Maria put the facts together then realized the possibilities

"They didn't…" Maria stammered

"Oh they *did*, all right. They're completely out of commission, now that all that booze has clogged up their brains." Quicksilver snorted as Bucky entered, irate and with a crazed look

"Whodunnit? Who gone and done it and took me lucky charms?" Bucky giggled maniacally as Cap, Thor and several SHIELD agents tried to restrain him

"Grab him! Grab him!" Selvig barked, hopping madly due to his feet tied in duct tape and Coulson chasing after Selvig, duct tape over his mouth

"Mmmmmrrgh!" Coulson mumbled, duct tape glued over his mouth

"I'm going back to bed. Wake me when everyone's sane again." Maria grumbled, waving her hands in the air as she headed back to her comfy couch


End file.
